If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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