Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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