Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
