just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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