I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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