If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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