Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
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Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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