He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
