Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize