Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
