matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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