Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
