I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
