so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
