I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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