I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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