You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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