i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
