Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
