if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
