I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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