pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
