Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize
