Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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