the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Randomize
