I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
is wine microwaveable?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
