I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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