textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
