My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
