the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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