i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i think i have two assholes
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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