Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Boobs speak an international language.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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