I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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