If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
