Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
