He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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