hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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