I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
