My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
