i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize