Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
