drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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