You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
