Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
