Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
