New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
