I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
