Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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