Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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