I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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