Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
