He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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