I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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