you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
be right there i have to get my cape
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
