You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
