Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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