I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
