lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
