at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
