I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
