I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
