omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
