So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
